I do believe this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I’ve discovered that it’s the mornings when I’m lowest about leaving. I woke up this morning kinda sad already, and then my grandmother called. She just wanted to say goodbye and that she’ll miss me. It just about killed me. Then she asked if I was happy about going, and since I didn’t want to worry her I said yes, of course I’m happy. How could I have explained to her that at that moment I was not at all happy about going? In fact, I was decidedly sad and was trying to come up with a scheme to get out of it.

The thing is, I’m guessing this is a pretty human, if not normal, reaction at this stage. My grandma, however, would never have understood this. She would have assumed that I’m leaving completely against my will and am looking forward to the most miserable 2 years of my life. How can I explain to someone who is not a Christ follower that this is not all about me? No matter what my emotion is at any given moment, I have to go because God has called me to this. I am so thankful for this. I’m thankful for all the people who have encouraged me over the years to walk by faith rather than feeling. How fickle those feelings are! How does anyone make a reasonable decision based on their emotions? My feelings change every half-hour these days, so I would never get anything done if I went by them.

I’m so sad to leave everyone, and I’m scared to start a new life. But I know it will be exhilarating when I get there. I know that the regret I would feel if I didn’t go would be overwhelming, and that I’d have to seek forgiveness from God for being disobedient. The consequences are far too great to give in to my feelings. And the blessings will be more than worth following through with this.

So don’t worry about me. I know lately I’ve sounded depressed about this whole thing. I’m just trying to be honest. I want people to know that making a change like this isn’t necessarily going to be like riding one huge wave of excitement all the way to your destination. It’s more like floating along and being raised up and then lowered again with a bunch of smallish waves. You just have to remember that it’s God keeping you afloat and He will never let you drown, no matter how far out He carries you.

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