It would be really easy to update you all by giving you the list of things I have left to do in the 9 days remaining. Or to just say I’m excited but a little nervous. Or something similar. But I guess that wouldn’t be completely honest, nor would it be of any help to you as you may be considering missions yourself. It also wouldn’t give you an accurate idea of how to pray for me. So to be entirely honest with all of you, here it is: I feel bi-polar. One minute I’m crazy excited, ready to jump around screaming, “I’m going to Japan! I’m going to Japan!” and showing off my newly-acquired visa. Then 3 minutes later I’m thinking about how I won’t be around for a certain wedding, or I won’t get to go to movies with Eric anymore (which occurred to me this afternoon) and I’m near tears. I feel so many conflicting things.

BUT (it’s a big but), it’s during these times (usually about 3 AM) that I rely on God the most. The only thing that calms me is prayer. I even have tears as I write this. But God has been so faithful the entire way. He has answered every prayer I’ve prayed. He has given me peace. He has provided funds, etc. He has made every step easier than I expected (even driving downtown THREE times to the Consulate of Japan for my visa). He is the one constant in the last 4 months. For that, I cannot possibly give enough thanks to Him. I can only tell you of what He has done for me. Don’t I at least owe Him that tiniest of favors?

So no, I’m not great. I’m not “so excited”. I’m not sad. I’m not nervous about teaching. I’m all of those things at the same time, and to tell you any differently would be the easy way out. And a lie. I have weird dreams lately, ones that I know are due to my insecurities. I have moments of panic when I can’t remember if I took care of something. This is the strangest time I’ve ever had, and the most exhilarating one. God will change things here at home while I’m away. He’ll also change me (I hope!) And in an immediate sense that’s really hard to think about. But I trust Him. I know that even though the changes seems scary and I wonder where my place will be in 2010, He’ll be with me.

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